September 26, 2006

Oh I wish I were…

     Today, it happened. I woke up, and it was true. I was it. I knew what would happen: everyone would love me. I could never get tired of that aroma. Man, I can’t believe it. So I jumped out of bed, and I put on my… well, I guess you could call it my “clothes,” but you know what I mean. I ran downstairs:
     “Mom, look!” I yelled.
     “What? John, what am I looking a-OHMYGOD!” The look of surprise was priceless, “but-I-wha-how-when, ooooooooh John!” She was so happy for me, I knew she would be. She had on the strangest expression, and kept it the whole time I ate breakfast, and then I looked at the clock.
     “Oh man I’m gonna miss the bus!”
     “Wait! John, you need to-”
     “I know mom I have to grab my bag, I’ll see you after school!”
     “No wait!” she chased me out the door, “John you can’t go out likr that..” The sound of the cars drowned her out, I didn’t hear what she said. But it wasn’t really that important, I mean, what could go wrong today, right? This was the best day of my life.
     I was almost late for the bus, so everyone was already inside, I hopped in.
     “Whooooooooooooa…” came the collective sigh from the bus.
     “Hey guys! It’s me! John!”
     “Whoa really? John, DUDE!” “Really weird!” “Come on guys I told you things like this could happen” “No way! John?” “What?” “No.”
     “No seriously!” I took my usual spot. Everyone was looking; I could tell I was the center of attention today. Michael was sitting next to me today, he couldn’t seem to keep he jaw off the floor.
     “Do… do you feel any… you know… different?” he asked.
     “Well, not really. I mean, it’s kind weird with the tail end, and it kinda feels like I don’t have any clothes on, but come on! It’s not that different.” He didn’t seem very reassured, but I could tell he was amazed.
     We eventually made it to school, and I managed to draw all the traffic to a crawl. I saw lots of people on their cell-phones. Everyone was staring though. Everyone was in love with me, I could feel it.
     Class didn’t really happen. The teacher took one look at me, yelped, and ran up to the main office. He was going to tell everybody! Everybody would see. We all messed around and lots of people asked me questions. It was so cool. And then it was lunch.
     I went through the line as usual and was eating lunch with everyone else, when suddenly, some ketchup splattered on me. I laughed and started to get it off, when someone pushed me over.
     “Hey man, that’s not cool!” I said indignantly, “who pushes a guy from behind?” But everyone was looking at me. “Wha… what’s everyone looking at?” Some ketchup got in my eyes, and mustard, then relish. “H-Hey! What are you guys doing.” It didn’t hurt, but I felt it disappear. Then another, and another. “Cut it out you guys, seriously!” I could even feel them gnawing on the bun, and then I realized: it sucks to be an Oscar Mayer Weiner.

Posted by Kickmyassman at September 26, 2006 09:24 AM

AHHH!!!!!!!!! Totally caught me by surprise.

Until the last paragraph, it read EXACTLY like some bad erotica I've read, in content and structure. You might want to brush up on your composition skills to avoid that XD

But the end totally made up for it.

Though if you wanted to, it could -still- become bad erotica.

Posted by: Suzi at September 26, 2006 03:02 PM

When I read the title of the post, I immediately completed the slogan in my head, and yet I was still surprised at the end. Good show.

Posted by: Eric at September 26, 2006 04:28 PM
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